Warrior Marks*: Part 1 (The Overview)
I don’t talk about this often, if at all. It has never been a blog post here, and until recently, I may never have mentioned it in cyberspace. Nevertheless, silence gives it power.
I was raped.
I was 14.
A camp counselor snuck into my room at the infirmary while I was sick.
I was woozy from medicine and a fever.
Except for repeating “No” and somewhat weak attempts to push him away.
I was at his mercy.
And no one else was anywhere to be found.
I was raped.
My soul.
My trust.
My self-esteem.
My heart.
My body.
They were all stolen from me.
In one violent act, I ceased to exist.
Innocence. Love. Gone.
I was raped.
And no one believed me.
No one.
Not my mother.
Not my sisters.
Not the camp administration.
Or maybe they did.
Maybe they did not believe in themselves enough to do what needed to be done.
When a child is raped, the rapist is not the only criminal.
Those who failed to protect that child are at fault too.
And so, to admit that it took place would have meant that all of these adults would have to admit their culpability.
However, they did not admit it at all.
He did not admit it at all.
It was only me.
And then. I stopped admitting it too.
It was in my head.
I liked him.
It was unrequited.
I was making up the story.
I needed attention.
It was consensual.
I regretted it now.
I was always too close to men.
I messed with them.
I was too mature for my age.
For years, I believed them.
I believed those adults who were meant to protect me.
I believed that I was a bad person who allowed things to happen to me.
I believed that I dressed/behaved/spoke/developed/ inappropriately.
I was the criminal and he was the victim.
He raped me and I was the criminal.
What a distorted world to live in, don’t you agree?
A childhood friend who seemed to understand rescued me. He reminded me that I did nothing wrong. He told me that there was nothing wrong with me. He told me that he loved me. He said that he would keep me safe. He took and while it was consensual in that I did not try to stop him, I never believed that I could if I had tried.
He pretended he did not know me after that.
I lived for so long in a world of guilt and fear. Sex is Power and I would NEVER relinquish power again. I wore sex as knights wore armor. Rather than get close to some one, I had sex. I managed to detach sex from emotion completely and lived with anger ready to boil over at any minute.
Then I got help.
I had to because underneath all of the anger and violence and promiscuity there was a scared 14 year old who need desperately to have someone, someone say, “I Believe You” and mean it.
I got help because the blame and the fear became suffocating and self-destructive.
I got help so that I could help others.
I got help because learning to love and respect myself gave me back my Power.
I got help because I could never have this if I did not.
You are so brave. I’m sorry to read that that happened to you. It’s happened to so many. I’m glad you got help and I’m glad you are the woman you are today.
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What a powerful story of courage and honesty. I agree with your statement that “silence gives it power,” regardless of what the “it” may be. Thank you for your transparency. What a joy it is to know you!
Michele @ The Integrated Mothers last blog post..A Place of Magic and Learning
I’m so sorry you had to go through something so awful.
Melanie @ MelADramatic Mommys last blog post..Wordless Wednesday #17: The Happiest Place on Earth
I’m sure you already realize that your words here have touched and empowered many people. Even more so because you chose to not only take back the control that was stolen from you, but to use using your experiences to help others. Thank you for sharing this!
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POWERFUL! Thank you so much for sharing this story with so many of us. You are truly an amazing woman!
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Hi! Dropping by via your comment at Mocha Momma’s. I am blown away by her tale, and now yours. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading more (I noticed this was, after all “just” an overview…!)
Wow. Your post just blew me away. Thank you for sharing this, and for making us THINK about our responsibility as moms/grown folk. It was very brave to put this out into the universe, and even more brave for you to touch so many others who may not have been brave enough to do what you’ve just done. Blessings.
What a dreadful story. I hope this does not happen very often to young women.
It makes you believe people can be possessed or oppressed by devils, that they could do such a vile thing.
A pity they don’t put such people in stocks any more, so decent folk could get a good look at them, and learn, how ordinary, evil people can seem.
Thank you for sharing your story. Not just hear but with the speakers bureau. There are so many women that this happens to and continue to believe they are at fault. I am so glad that you got the help that you needed and helped others.
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I too applaud you for sharing your story. You are taking every bit of hurt and pain to turn it into an educational experience to help others. I’m so thankful for you and all that you have fought through.
Everyday you continue to live; you take power back away from all of those that have wronged you. Bravery gets you started and integrity keeps you fighting. You are incredibly strong, far stronger than you believe you are. I am honored to partner with you in parenthood and love and respect you in matrimony.
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This is very brave of you. I was molested by a male relative for 4 years and when I finally told my family about it, they hushed it up. We have to “protect the family,” that’s what they said. I’m still not talking about it today. I wish I could. Maybe one day. When his kids have grown up, when both my parents are gone… I don’t know. Your story has reminded me however that I must speak up. Thank you.
Yolanda, Thank You. I want to make sure that parents understand the damage that sexual abuse can cause.
Love. Man, it’s powerful!
Frances, thank you for commenting. I am sending you a private email.
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s heartbreaking to know that there were so many adults who missed the opportunity to step up and help you. I’m sorry for that.
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This is a beautiful poem. This is something that has happened to a lot of young girls. I am glad that now it is out in the open. We have to keep speaking on it so that more and more young girls (and boys) know that they don’t have to keep it to themselves. God bless you.
This is such a powerful story, and I admire your courage for speaking up about it. You have grown into a strong, beautiful woman, and I’m glad you have taken your power back.
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Kristina, I’m so sorry you experienced all of that. Thank you for sharing your story and for being you. You will inspire and have inspired many.
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Thank you. It is my hope that my story will help others. It is so important that we help each other.
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I was 14 yrs old, too. I did not tell anyone. My parents still don’t know. No sense breaking their hearts now. It was my best friend’s MUCH older brother. Her mother died and he came to “take care” of his sisters. He raped my best friend, too. He was a Baptist Preacher. He was married to the Pastor’s daughter. They had a toddler that was learning a phrase from the bible to perform at Church. I was a “troubled teen”. I would have failed a drug test. I didn’t think anyone would believe me. We plotted to kill him, but never got the nerve (thank goodness). Years later, I found out that he went to jail on rape charges. Somehow, that didn’t make me feel any better. And I’ve never felt comfortable at church or around men who say “God Bless You” too much. What are they trying to prove or hide????
Even though my babies are boys, I worry about public restrooms and visits to friends houses. There are too many predators out there and they know that children are easy prey. My big boy is almost 18 yrs old, 6 ft tall and has been coached by me, so I am not too worried about him now.
My little guy will be 3 yrs old this April. In just a few years he’ll decide he’s too old to go to the ladies room with me. I’ll be hovering by the mens room door again, hollering inside if he takes to long, it gets too quiet or I hear anything I don’t like. I don’t care if the men going in and out think I’m crazy. I’ll also be meeting all the friend’s parents and have the occasional discussion with him about adults who like to touch children. My boys will not be victims if there is anything I can do about it.
My mantra is “Listen to those butterflies in your stomach. When you get them, get OUT of (or change) the situation.” Theatrics are fine. Lies are okay. Whatever it takes. Call me, I’ll come get you. Any time, any day, no questions asked.
You didn’t have a chance to listen to any butterflies. I didn’t that time either, but I did on many other occasions. I’m sure you’ll do what you can to keep your baby safe. You will find a way to talk about predators without making the world seem scary. We will do what we can to keep the children in our lives safe and support them if our efforts fail. That is a triumph in itself.
I am so sorry. But remember, knowledge is a wonderful thing and you and I both know what we need to do to protect our children. I know how to be a better mother because of the mistakes that my own made. Thank you for commenting.
Thank you for being brave enough to write this. Thank you for supporting the new site. I appreciate it so very, very much. You break my heart but you inspire me, too.
Just added you to the blogroll.
Maggie
http://www.violenceunsilenced.com
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It truly does mess with your head and once you let it out it, it makes the abuser powerless…. and gives you the power and strength and knowledge to move on and teach your children.