January 27th, 2010

{W}Dialogue: Reflect.Rethink.Redo

“You did it again? I swear you are so fickle.”

“I’m not fickle. I’m a Virgo! you wouldn’t understand.”

“How do you know…”

“I’m  con­stantly chang­ing and mov­ing and I can’t help it. I know-  I said I would leave the other design up for a while, but I changed my mind. It’s my right. Right?”

“Well then, why the black? Why the change?”

” I was lis­ten­ing to “Back to Black” you know, Amy Whine­house? And I started think­ing that if I had to describe where I am in my life using col­ors, I wouldn’t be able to. All I see are shards of bro­ken crayons melted together from the heat of of my tears.”

“Who talks like this? I can’t fol­low you when you get like this”

“The con­fu­sion is too much for me and I decided that I needed to deal with things in stages. And for me that meant going “back to black”.

“But black is despair. It’s void. It’s empty.”

“For you. For many. But for me, for me, black is  soothing.”

“It would be.”

“Lis­ten, OK. Just lis­ten. When I was a child I would sit in the dark and try to fig­ure out what my next move would be when life got hec­tic and harsh. And as I sorted through the mucky mess that one often gets when too many col­ors mix, my black would be filled with very spe­cific hues. I would see blues, and yel­lows, and greens, almost like they were flood­ing me with clarity.

As I sat today I saw RED. Not angry red. It was more of a fiery amber of pas­sion. And it sud­denly occurred to me that what I’m  miss­ing more than any­thing is pas­sion– that spark that urged me to “do” rather than “stew” and as I looked at my pre­vi­ous blog design I real­ized that I was try­ing to force myself back­wards instead of try­ing to push myself forward.”

“I see. Go on”

“We do that when we get scared about the future, don’t we? We do that because going back is so much safer than going for­ward– we know what’s there already.

I need remind­ing that life moves for­ward but that some­times we have to go back to the basics so that we are grounded before leap­ing. I needed some­thing that would allow me to escape not feel­ing well both phys­i­cally and emotionally.

It is my “Back to Black”. It is my reminder to fly and to RISE. It is where I am right now and what I need to remem­ber. And when I look at it I see my passion.”

“I’ve been wor­ried about you. Some­times this side of you scares me.”

“But I’m good now. I’m back.”

This post is a part of {W}rite-of-passage chal­lenge #7– “Dia­logue”. Here are oth­ers join­ing in this week and you should too.