Letting Go
I feel like my world is spinning out of control and as much as I want to straighten it all out, I cannot. Losing my sister was a shock to me. She was young- 36 years old is so young- and I am still having difficulty understanding what has happened. I miss her so much despite the fact that our relationship was nothing if not rocky. I miss the better times- when we were close. When she would teach me all of the latest dance moves and braid my hair and pick out my clothes and make sure that no one picked on me. Life was eaiser then. Her life was easier then. It was a time before an unplanned baby, marriage, divorce, and another child. It was time before the wandering and the manipulations and the lies.
My mother told me that she is sad because my sister’s short life was filled with turmoil. I am sad too, but for a different reason. I am sad because I never got the chance to tell her that I love her. That I never got the chance to tell her that while I may have been angry with her, I never stopped caring. (Please resist the urge to tell me that she knew because that is not so much the point.) I needed to say it one last time. I needed a chance to purge myself of all of the anger that had been such a big part of our relationship.
But I am letting go now. I am letting go of it because these last three months have been a congestion of anger, guilt, and sadness. It has to stop. Time to move forward. Time to heal.
Death Strikes Again
ETA: Poppy passed away early this morning in the hospital at 2:15 am.
If you have been a frequent visitor to my blog, facebook page, or followed my tweets, then you know that on March 8, I lost my oldest sister two days after my Father-in-Law (Poppy) was admitted into the hospital with respiratory issues (among other things).
Poppy has been in the hospital for about 2 months now, and his stay has been plagued with setbacks and false hope. He suffers from Stage D Congestive Heart Failure, COPD, lesions on his diaphragm that make it painful and difficult for him to breathe, MRSA, and his organs are failing. He is in pain and gasping for air that will never come. He is tired; we are all tired. And we have tried to be strong, but the reality is that we can no longer prolong what nature has in store.
Last night, my in-laws, my family, made the decision to keep Poppy off of the respirator and this morning, they made the decision to stop dialysis and the feeding tube. They were tough decisions to make, but the fact is that sometimes the most loving and humane thing that we can do for our loved ones is to let them go.
Maybe one day soon I’ll write about my relationship with my Father-in-law. About how he was my surrogate father despite so many thinking that he would not like me because I am Black. I will write about how when my own Dad passed away in 2000, my father-in-law comforted me in the only way he knew how- by cooking me dinner. I will tell you all about how I helped him set up his very first computer despite being seriously allergic to his cat… Continue reading