Self-Defeating Behavior
Maybe I am actually afraid to be successful at weight loss. It seems to me that if I truly wanted to lose weight, I would just jump on it, right? Yet, as heartfelt as my previous entries were, I have fallen back into some behaviors that have helped to keep me fat. That’s part of the reason that I have not been blogging here. I find it much easier to lie to myself when I am not writing things out.
But yesterday, I had a realization after finding out that a friend’s husband ended up in the hospital and in a 4 day coma- the result of a diabetic attack which may have been avoided if he just took better care of him self. To boot, I amvery active in Go Red, and am very fearful that the extra two people that I am carrying is way too much for my heart. Simply put, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die because I have too much to live for. Sorry for the cliche.
One of the problems that I have is eating regularly and eating well. I KNOW what I should be eating, more or less, but I don’t know how to determine portion size, and better yet, I don’t know go grocery shopping on a regular basis which leads me to order out a lot. we only have one car so when my hubby is at work, I am stuck in the house because there are no stores in walking distance and taking the bus with a toddler and groceries is just not doable.
I have been looking into home-delivery meal plans. I am really liking Fresh Dining. It seems like a great plan, but it is so expensive up front. Granted, I… Continue reading
The Spectrum of Change
I always find myself going back to this. I was an athlete- an exercise junkie. I loved the way I felt when I moved.
But I was very unhappy. I lived through some harsh events and lived with a verbally abusive mother and yet exercising was my comfort. I would have these small battles with food that I always solved by making myself throw up because Bulimia was the in thing in my high school.
In college, some things changed- I ate the same (maybe a little more) but I was no longer an athlete. Injuries prevented me from playing sports but even as I gained weight my on-and-off again struggle with Bulimia helped me keep off some of the excess weight. I was just “thick” as the boys would say.
The way I dressed changed too. I wore very sexy clothing my first two years of college partly because I was feeling like less of a tomboy (curves will do that to you) and partly because my boyfriend at the time was always so critical of me and I wanted to keep him interested. Unfortunately as I gained weight, he became an expert in making me feel like crap.
My personality changed too. I was no longer the social, outgoing person who was willing to walk all over campus just to be outside. I liked staying in my room. I smoked more and even dabbled in recreational drug use. My boyfriend cheated. We broke up, got back together, I cheated and lied and hid and found comfort in the binge-purge cycle.
Eventually, my clothes changed more. Short mini skirts were replaced by jeans- the baggier the better. I covered my body in layers and with clothes that were big enough to fit my male friends and… Continue reading