February 26th, 2010

Happy Birthday Nicola

In Loving Memory of Nicola Diana Kennedy

You would have been 37 today and for reasons still unknown you were taken from us just 9 days after you turned 36. Life has been so hard since then. I tried to be strong- to keep Jaida and Kayla together to ease the pain that they were feeling. I have endured criticism from many- both to my face and behind my back- for things that were beyond my control and even now I am sure that people are whispering about how I am not doing what I should to make sure that everyone is OK. But, and it has taken most of the year for me to realize this, none of that matters because when it comes right down to it, no one can ever truly understand the bond between sisters.

You and Caroline are the first friends I ever knew. You were my protectors when life was scary and our bond was so much stronger than the future arguments that would tear us all apart for so many years. We are survivors. Foster parents, orphanages, adoption, daddy’s death…. Hell, we survived Momma Kennedy and her strict parenting! We were always there for eachother even if that meant not being there at all.

No one can ever truly understand that bond and no one can take that away.

I miss you. I miss the times that we shared- our dance routines, hair and makeup lessons, sneaking out to Skate Key and the Fever and your advice on how to deal with our mother. I miss your smile and your willingness to help everyone- even those who did nothing but take advantage of you. I miss your passion to live and your hot temper. I miss the phone calls and our talks about sex and all the things that we were told were naughty. I long so much for the days of Clear Pool Camp, double dutch at Grandma’s, and you braiding my hair so tightly that I would cry just from mom telling you to do my hair.

I wish that I could have protected you from all of the chaos, but you wouldn’t let me. You never let me forget that you were my big sister. I wish that I could tell you that I love you and hear you tell me again. I wish that you and Caroline could have said the things that you both really wanted to say to each other. I wish that we could have all just hugged each other one last time.

Nicola, I miss you so very much. I have let go of all of anger and the hurt. Caroline and I understand now. We will honor our sisterhood because we learned from you just how short life is and how much regret weighs.

I am eternally grateful for the time we shared. I was blessed to have you and to have known the real you. We will forever be the Kennedy Girls and I will love you always. Happy Birthday.

Your baby sister,
Kristina

February 22nd, 2010

In Memory of a Little Life

In Loving Memory of Samantha Michelle
Born too Soon at 19.5 weeks
February 22, 2003

June 12th, 2009

Letting Go

I feel like my world is spinning out of control and as much as I want to straighten it all out, I cannot. Losing my sister was a shock to me. She was young- 36 years old is so young-  and I am still having difficulty understanding what has happened.  I miss her so much despite the fact that our relationship was nothing if not rocky. I miss the better times- when we were close. When she would teach me all of the latest dance moves and braid my hair and pick out my clothes and make sure that no one picked on me. Life was eaiser then. Her life was easier then. It was a time before an unplanned baby, marriage, divorce, and another child. It was time before the wandering and the manipulations and the lies.

My mother told me that she is sad because my sister’s short life was filled with turmoil. I am sad too, but for a different reason. I am sad because I never got the chance to tell her that I love her. That I never got the chance to tell her that while I may have been angry with her, I never stopped caring. (Please resist the urge to tell me that she knew because that is not so much the point.)  I needed to say it one last time. I needed a chance to purge myself of all of the anger that had been such a big part of our relationship.

But I am letting go now. I am letting go of it because these last three months have been a congestion of anger, guilt, and sadness. It has to stop.  Time to move forward. Time to heal.

May 5th, 2009

Yet Another Farewell