August 10th, 2009

Lessons from a Three Year Old

It’s been a while since I simply wrote about my family or my life in general. I have been swamped with past-due product reviews and my other writing duties at the  Examiner, Moms of Hue, and Traveling Mom, have fallen by the wayside. I am a perfectionist. I set very high goals for myself and when I am unable to attain them, I go into a depression that makes me even more less productive.

With the constant swarm of negative events that have plagued my family in 2009, I am finding it very difficult to motivate myself to get things done. I still have not fully come to terms with my sister’s death, nor my father-in-laws either. I can’t believe that in her short time here, my daughter has experienced two devastating losses already. I have been sad so much and while, as mothers will do, I have been trying to stay strong. I only cry when she cannot see me and I try to keep us involved in fun activities, but the truth is, I am feeling a little overwhelmed.

But the funny thing is that just when I feel like I cannot go on any further, my daughter does or says something that makes me remember that things will be alright. For example, I was really missing my sister the other day (well every day, but this one day in particular it was a lot worse). I felt empty and disconnected from the events around me and I was feeling a little guilty because of things left unsaid and unsettled. My daughter, who has shown a real understanding for empathy even at 3, came over to me and grabbed my face with her hands. She looked me in the eyes and said, “Momma, you love me, and Daddy, and we love you. It’s OK.” It was a simple statement, but it warmed me to the core and made me realize a few things.

I realized that no matter how much it hurts to lose a loved one, love is all around and that love should not be ignored.

I learned that the difficult things in life are never as important as the simple hugs and kisses that we take for granted.

I remembered that sometimes no matter how much we think we need to be strong, showing that we are not all the time  is the best gift we can give our children.

These lessons from my 3-year-old are exactly what I needed to get through the day. It is confirmation that I am doing something right and that the world is better than it seems.

And she is right, it IS OK.

June 30th, 2008

What We Tell Our Children

My mother used to introduce me as the “athletic one”. My eldest sister was “the pretty one”.

My mother tried everything to make sure that people thought I was prettier. She forced me to wear traditionally girly clothes and did not like that I was so athletic. She wanted me to be a princess, but I just wanted to be me. She would tell me that because I was darker-skinned I needed to “soften my appearance”. Within the Black non-Community, there is a serious color complex- the lighter you are the better- and even as a child I knew this. I was the darker skinned of three girls. I never heard that I was beautiful. What I was told was “You’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl” or “You would be so pretty if you weren’t so dark.” Those comments were enough to make me hate myself- and they did. Years later. I engaged in behavior that I thought would make me prettier- promiscuity and bulimia. Lying and hiding.

I do not like boxes- being put in one. Boxes hide the whole. They force people to only look at a small portion of a person, and that is damaging to the soul. I look at my daughter and want more for her. I want her to be herself with out fear. I don’t want her my birracial child to have to choose one of two races. I don’t want her to be the short one, or the fat one or even the smart one because those tags are so limiting.

What we tell our children is so important. We may not see the results right away, but words have a way of burrowing down deep inside and festering away at one’s self-confidence. There are so many things in this world that can beat our children down, but parents should not be one of them.

What will you tell your children?

August 16th, 2007

Knitting, Work, and Star Jones

I have been teaching myself to knit and guess who is also learning- my husband. One of the problems that we have been having in our relationship is that we don’t get to do alot of things together. I think many married couples who work full-time and have children run into this problem. We get so overwhelmed with life that we forget to enjoy each other. So, we decided to do one thing that I love together and one thing that he loves together. He is learning to knit and I am learning football. I am going to have a fantasy football team and everything. How cool is that. LOL. I have played fantasy baseball and fantasy basketball, but never footbal, so this will be interesting. I know it is only a start, but this is a step in the right direction for us.

I start work again on Monday, August 20 (also my Mom birthday). I’m looking forward to it because I think working makes me a better Mom. I get bored so fast so I end up being lazy and rating too much. And, when you have a lively strong-willed 15.5 month old, it is hard to not get frustrated. When I work I find that I enjoy Mommyhood more. Am I alone in that?

BTW- have you seen Star Jones’ new promo for her CourtTV show? She look horrible.

December 17th, 2005

A Lesson on How NOT to Mother

If you are very close to your mother, you may want to avoid this thread because this is a long vent from someone who is not.

My mother and I have alsways been on rocky road. She was not very maternal when I was growing up and she clearly favored my older sister (4 yers older) and tread me and my middle sister like crap. We are all biological sissters and were adopted. But from the time I was about 5 she used to pretty much make me feel like I owed her so much because she adopted us.

At any rate, out of the three of us, I am the only one to graduate college and get married and not have any kids out of wedlock. I have always worked and in fact, worked my way through college because she would promise to pay my tution and if I did not do everything she said she would cancel the check and leave me stranded in college.

Since my DH and I started dating, his family helped me pay for books and clothing and eventually our wedding. It would take a lifetime for me to explain all of the horrible things that my mother did to me, but let me summarise:

1. I was raped at a young age and she blamed me and called me a heffer and a slut.
2. She cancelled my tution check fout times and almost got me kicked out of college
3. When I miscarried my first child in Las Vegas and had to stay in the hospital and was not able to fly back home for another 5 days, she left my husband and I with out saying goodbye or offering to give us money when she knew that we were on a tight budget.

And then recently: My DH and I live in a room at my IL’s. It is cramped and with the baby coming we definitely want to move. But we were not really looking because we did not have the 1st/last/security money. But there happened to be an apartment available. A beautiful 2 bedroom for 1450 a month all utilites incluuded. It is a steal in Westchester. I hapened to mention it to her and she says, “set up an apointment. I will give you the 4350 if you like it.” So DH and I go look at, love it, tell the landlord we will take it and she tells me that she is not giving me anything because she helps my sisters out and she is not a bank.

OK; my sisters are both deadbeats. The oldest has two kids by two different guys eventhough she can;t afford them. In fact, she just had a second baby by another guy and she is not even divorced from her husband. My mother has paid her rent up to six months four times in the last three years. She bought her two cars, funiture, etc eventhough my sister has constantly cursed her out, demeaned herr to family friends, and tried to ruin my wedding. She even paid 60,000 for my sister’s wedding using money that my dad left me when he died with out even telling me.

I am fed up. I told my mother today that she is no longer welcomed in my life because she is toxic and to this day has never made and effort to treat me well. I told her that she will never see her grand child because as far as I am concerned, my mother does not exist.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not being a brat. But I have asked my mother for monetary help 2 time sin the last 10 years and she always gives me crap because she takes care of my sisters and WE are ALL milking her dry. I told her today that she has no problem telling me no but is very happy to help out two grown women who make no effort to better their lives. Did I mention that my sisters are 30 and 33?

I am fed up. I am so hurt and pissed off because now we lost the apartment and Lord knows when we will be able to move. I will NEVER treat my children like she does.