Lessons from a Three Year Old
It’s been a while since I simply wrote about my family or my life in general. I have been swamped with past-due product reviews and my other writing duties at the Examiner, Moms of Hue, and Traveling Mom, have fallen by the wayside. I am a perfectionist. I set very high goals for myself and when I am unable to attain them, I go into a depression that makes me even more less productive.
With the constant swarm of negative events that have plagued my family in 2009, I am finding it very difficult to motivate myself to get things done. I still have not fully come to terms with my sister’s death, nor my father-in-laws either. I can’t believe that in her short time here, my daughter has experienced two devastating losses already. I have been sad so much and while, as mothers will do, I have been trying to stay strong. I only cry when she cannot see me and I try to keep us involved in fun activities, but the truth is, I am feeling a little overwhelmed.
But the funny thing is that just when I feel like I cannot go on any further, my daughter does or says something that makes me remember that things will be alright. For example, I was really missing my sister the other day (well every day, but this one day in particular it was a lot worse). I felt empty and disconnected from the events around me and I was feeling a little guilty because of things left unsaid and unsettled. My daughter, who has shown a real understanding for empathy even at 3, came over to me and grabbed my face with her hands. She looked me in the eyes and said, “Momma, you… Continue reading
What We Tell Our Children
My mother used to introduce me as the “athletic one”. My eldest sister was “the pretty one”.
My mother tried everything to make sure that people thought I was prettier. She forced me to wear traditionally girly clothes and did not like that I was so athletic. She wanted me to be a princess, but I just wanted to be me. She would tell me that because I was darker-skinned I needed to “soften my appearance”. Within the Black non-Community, there is a serious color complex- the lighter you are the better- and even as a child I knew this. I was the darker skinned of three girls. I never heard that I was beautiful. What I was told was “You’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl” or “You would be so pretty if you weren’t so dark.” Those comments were enough to make me hate myself- and they did. Years later. I engaged in behavior that I thought would make me prettier- promiscuity and bulimia. Lying and hiding.
I do not like boxes- being put in one. Boxes hide the whole. They force people to only look at a small portion of a person, and that is damaging to the soul. I look at my daughter and want more for her. I want her to be herself with out fear. I don’t want her my birracial child to have to choose one of two races. I don’t want her to be the short one, or the fat one or even the smart one because those tags are so limiting.
What we tell our children is so important. We may not see the results right away, but words have a way of burrowing down deep inside and festering away at one’s self-confidence. There are so many things in this world… Continue reading
Knitting, Work, and Star Jones
I have been teaching myself to knit and guess who is also learning- my husband. One of the problems that we have been having in our relationship is that we don’t get to do alot of things together. I think many married couples who work full-time and have children run into this problem. We get so overwhelmed with life that we forget to enjoy each other. So, we decided to do one thing that I love together and one thing that he loves together. He is learning to knit and I am learning football. I am going to have a fantasy football team and everything. How cool is that. LOL. I have played fantasy baseball and fantasy basketball, but never footbal, so this will be interesting. I know it is only a start, but this is a step in the right direction for us.
I start work again on Monday, August 20 (also my Mom birthday). I’m looking forward to it because I think working makes me a better Mom. I get bored so fast so I end up being lazy and rating too much. And, when you have a lively strong-willed 15.5 month old, it is hard to not get frustrated. When I work I find that I enjoy Mommyhood more. Am I alone in that?
BTW- have you seen Star Jones’ new promo for her CourtTV show? She look horrible.
A Lesson on How NOT to Mother
If you are very close to your mother, you may want to avoid this thread because this is a long vent from someone who is not.
My mother and I have alsways been on rocky road. She was not very maternal when I was growing up and she clearly favored my older sister (4 yers older) and tread me and my middle sister like crap. We are all biological sissters and were adopted. But from the time I was about 5 she used to pretty much make me feel like I owed her so much because she adopted us.
At any rate, out of the three of us, I am the only one to graduate college and get married and not have any kids out of wedlock. I have always worked and in fact, worked my way through college because she would promise to pay my tution and if I did not do everything she said she would cancel the check and leave me stranded in college.
Since my DH and I started dating, his family helped me pay for books and clothing and eventually our wedding. It would take a lifetime for me to explain all of the horrible things that my mother did to me, but let me summarise:
1. I was raped at a young age and she blamed me and called me a heffer and a slut.
2. She cancelled my tution check fout times and almost got me kicked out of college
3. When I miscarried my first child in Las Vegas and had to stay in the hospital and was not able to fly back home for another 5 days, she left my husband and I with out saying goodbye or offering to give us money when she knew that we were on a… Continue reading