I always find myself going back to this. I was an athlete- an exercise junkie. I loved the way I felt when I moved.

But I was very unhappy. I lived through some harsh events and lived with a verbally abusive mother and yet exercising was my comfort. I would have these small battles with food that I always solved by making myself throw up because Bulimia was the in thing in my high school.

In college, some things changed- I ate the same (maybe a little more) but I was no longer an athlete. Injuries prevented me from playing sports but even as I gained weight my on-and-off again struggle with Bulimia helped me keep off some of the excess weight. I was just “thick” as the boys would say.

The way I dressed changed too. I wore very sexy clothing my first two years of college partly because I was feeling like less of a tomboy (curves will do that to you) and partly because my boyfriend at the time was always so critical of me and I wanted to keep him interested. Unfortunately as I gained weight, he became an expert in making me feel like crap.

My personality changed too. I was no longer the social, outgoing person who was willing to walk all over campus just to be outside. I liked staying in my room. I smoked more and even dabbled in recreational drug use. My boyfriend cheated. We broke up, got back together, I cheated and lied and hid and found comfort in the binge-purge cycle.

Eventually, my clothes changed more. Short mini skirts were replaced by jeans- the baggier the better. I covered my body in layers and with clothes that were big  enough to fit my male friends and… Continue reading →