Heavy
photo credit: fancycwabs
It hit me. At 11:53 PM, I was sitting on my computer making sure that I had approved all of the comments left on the Legacy Site that I set up for my sister, and it hit me. A knot formed in my stomach and it quickly moved up into my chest and released its self in a steady flow of tears.
I realized that death is permanent.
No matter how many times I swallow, or take a deep breath, or try to remember the fun times. The good times. When were were the Three Kennedy Girls. No matter how many times, I end up right back here.
I miss my sister. I miss her so much. And while I had a hard time accepting many of the choices she made in her life, I miss her freshness and her spontaneity. I mourn for the sister that so many in her life did not know. The sister that taught me about boys, and Aunt Flow, and braided my hair no matter how much I cried. She was my bodyguard back then. And my cheerleader at HS basketball games. She was my friend.
My heart is so heavy.
I keep telling myself that things will get back to normal, but normal no longer exsists. Normal died on March 8, 2009. Without warning. Without farewells. Normal was my life before. It seems so long ago.
The road ahead is going to be so hard. My nieces will need so much. My youngest needs to be here with me and I fear that we will not be able to make that happen. I don’t know where to start. Or even how. I worry that not only will my nieces have to endure the pain of losing their mom- who despite her faults, loved them with all of her ailing heart- and now have the pain of being separated.
I am overwhelmed.
It is all too final.
It is all too real.
And I am heavy.
It is such a “heavy” thing to realize that we will never see someone we love again (at least not in this life experience
)
I think, too, we realize how much the people we love are really a part of ourselves-it feels like a part of us is gone-doesn’t it? It’s a hard thing to reconcile, especially for people like us who feel that through hard work, and determination, we can “fix” everything.
Suddenly we realize that some things truly are out of our control.
I honestly, believe, though, that this life is part of something bigger. The human experience-joy as well as pain, is too powerful to be an isolated experience in my opinion.
I’m here for you, as far away as I may be, if you need me
Girl, I don’t even begin to know what to say to you except that my heart goes out to you. You have lost a special part of you that you can never get back. The memories come flooding in and get so overwhelming and in time it won’t hurt as much. What you are going through is natural and don’t hide your emotions. We are here to help you make it through.
I will continue to say the same thing over and over again. If you need me I am here for you – at any time of the day or night. I am completely serious.
I know hon. Thanks. I will be OK soon.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t even imagine! I hope you and your family feel better soon, although I know it’s going to take a long time to feel “happy” again. You’ll be in my prayers.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting! I’ve been, and will continue to be, thinking about you.
Ms. Lady,
I almost cried myself as I felt your loss while reading your entry. I lost my mom back in 1999, on Christmas Eve. My two sisters and myself were there at the hospice when she took her last breath. Even though we were able to have closure with her because she had cancer, it was still very painful. I do not believe it was as painful as a sudden absence of a loved one, especially a sister. My sister next to me (I’m the baby) is to me, what your sister has been to you.
You sister is not “gone”. She is in your heart, in your memories, you carry her in life applying all the lessons she has taught you. Once in a while, I talk to my mom. Sometimes, I hear her voice, sometimes of disapproval, other of praise of what is going on in my life at that time. Yes, I talk out loud to her as if she were still standing here with me. Often times, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror walking, standing, tilting my head like her. Your sister is not gone, she is right there with you in many, many ways in your life…look in the mirror. Take the time to have quiet time and talk with her. You will be surprised at how that helps.
As for her children and your own, lots and lots of tears and hugs. Making pictures, writing poems, singing her favorite songs….celebrate her life. No one is perfect. We all have our faults. Cherish her positive aspects. Make a memory wall of pictures, drawings, maybe a piece of clothing that was her favorite, a menu from her favorite place to eat, her favorite cd or dvd.
As for yourself, cry all you need. It is very cleansing to your mind, your heart and your physical physical body. Afterwards, take a deep breath, put a warm towel on your face and maybe a hot bath or shower. Take care of yourself.
All God’s love…presious