I have been spending a lot of time with friends/family who have children and I have been seeing SWHS interact with them. She is so happy when she is around them. She plays and learns and gets so much love from them. And deep down inside I hear a voice screaming, “It’s time”! Originally I only wanted one. And a part of me still only wants one. I like the idea that I only have to live through the bad stages (temper tantrums, leaky diapers, etc.) once. I won’t even get started on the financial reasons.
But, I really miss all of the firsts. I miss the neediness, and the absolute love. Don’t get me wrong, at 13-months, SWHS is not at all ready to start her own family. But, as she gets bigger and more independent and she does not want to be babied any longer. It breaks my heart. She is getting so big and I feel like I have missed so much. And when I think about that, I get kind of weepy.
It’s a selfish reason to want another baby, I know. But sometimes- even if it is just for a moment- it’s OK to be selfish, right?
I have unselfish reasons too. I worry that SWHS will grow up feeling alone because she doesn’t have someone to share her life with in a way that no friend or mate can truly understand. She won’t have anyone to reminisce about her crazy parents with. She won’t be able to share her ups and down with when a mother’s or father’s ear won’t do. Friends are a dime-a-dozen but family, family is always there.
My sisters and I are not close. We have so many years of hurt separating us, but we still manage to talk and come together when it counts. I miss them despite the anger and heartache that we have caused each other. After all, there is no one that can truly understand what it was like in my home. We are bound by blood, history, and more. SWHS is missing out on that kind of closeness, isn’t it?
Isn’t it selfish to deprive her of that because I don’t want her to struggle to find her place in a family the way that I did. Because I don’t want to worry about financial problems, or sleepless nights, or screaming babies…
When all is said and done the fact remains, I love her and would love to she her grow up with a sibling. And now I have an urge.
